I'm going to be very optimistic here in my predictions: I know these things haven't happened yet, but I want to predict how the pundits will "report" them if they do happen.

Many of you remember my original Daily Kos Bingo diary from March. Well, get out those orange daubers, because the primaries are over and the new card is here!

I've been watching CNN lately, and I've discovered something interesting: they've apparently started reporting complete bullshit!  If a rumor pops up, they have to get it on the air as soon as possible.  Some whackjob out there on some blog claims that Barak Obama might consider making Ice Cube his veep, and the next thing you know, there's Campbell Brown going, "What would the implications be of Ice Cube being the Vice-President?  Would this mean there were no more Fridays films?  Would we have to peel Iran's cap back?  And could Flavor Flav become the ambassador to Germany?  We'll be back to discuss it with our panel in a moment!"

Hey, Buddy... can you stop a second?

Yeah.  You.  Can I talk to you for a minute?

No!  Don't look at me like that.  

GET BACK HERE!  Don't walk away!  You gotta LISTEN to me!

Seriously!

I know I have a problem.  I understand that.  I admit it.  I'm an addict.  And admitting you are an addict is the first step towards sobriety.  So it's not like I'm trying to say I don't have a problem.

It's not an easy thing to admit.  It might not look like it, but I do still have a bit of self pride, you know...

But.... MAN! I need some OIL, dude!  I mean I need it RIGHT NOW!

That's right, while Obama’s relaxing in Hawaii, McCain's advisors could steal the biggest hail mary from Mark Penn's playbook: the GAME CHANGER.

Here's how he'd implement it--

The McCain campaign has announced that the Senator will be vacationing in Nashcar, Missouri next week.

Did yall read Mcane is givin prizes fer spammin librul sites?  This is my plee to you libruls...

SPAM THIS YALL!  PLEESE  I NEAD HELP REEL BAD!

I need SPAM reel bad!  Pleese spam this thred!!  Libruls if yall are reely not commys I cud use yore help NOW

Since Mcane got on the intarnets I figgered I should to.  Do you no how long it took to find this site? DalyCuz...NO!  DaleyCuz....NO!  Is KOS French or somethang? Rush said they help terrists.  Anyhoo it took me a hole day.  The DOT thang cornfuzed me.  Finaly tiped a . and YAHOO! I was on the intarnets here like my boy Mcane

Id even vote fer Obama if yule spam fer me
(never you mind my feleny....Long storey...)

Anyhoo my stove dont werk cause I shot it one day.  Rush tolt me libruls was tryin to rune the cuntry.  Licker and libruls and me dont go together to good.  

Allow me to be the first to welcome you to the grand left-wing conspiracy.

Presumably you've landed here thanks to the recent media boomlet (thank you, Washington Post) on your hero's efforts to spread the Mavericky Gospel far and wide by posting to prominent blogs.

And lucky us, Daily Kos is the leading liberal blog suggested by Walnuts.  So here you are.

I suspect most of the community will give you the same reception one would give a cockroach infestation, but I enthusiastically welcome you.

See, you're pissing in the wind here. We are the true believers. The Arizona Cardinals (Walnuts' favorite football team) have a better chance of winning the next 10 Super Bowls than you have of convincing a single Kossack to vote for Walnuts. The way I figure it, every minute you fritter away here is a minute you're not out spreading your crap on sites where you might actually reach undecided voters.

So by all means, welcome!  I hope you stay here until Election Day!

But if you're going to play with us, I'd ask that you keep a few things in mind:

How can I NOT spread the word about how great John McCain's ass backward policies will be for ruining this country for years, nay, DECADES to come?

I mean, all I have to do is sell out my soul, er, astroturf because there are no real McCain supporters out there, er, troll progressive blog sites, er, (swallows hard) proudly support a man who has done nothing really of note since coming back from Vietman, I mean, is hawking cheap crap on his campaign website if I promise to copy and paste talking points into blogs in the hope that even brainless people won't notice that I am a new user with no diary or commenting history.

Talk about an opportunity that can't be passed up....

The McCain campaign has a new program:  Just spread favorable McCain comments around the web, and you earn points leading to exciting prizes. Prizes such as a ride on the Dire Straits Express! It doesn't get any better than that. There's just one problem. The suggested favorable comments, or "talking points" to use the term of art, are extremely lame. One sample: John McCain has a comprehensive economic program. Yawn. The McCain camp needs much more exciting material to ignite the kind of grass roots fire they're aiming for. If the following items don't get me a ride with the McCain campaign, I'll be truly shocked:

Today Michael Carmichael wrote about problems the Democratic Party has encountered in August in the past.  I love history, and I immediately liked most of the article.  I thought the idea of Colin Powell as Vice President was interesting, although I question the logic that dictates how much Powell would bring to the ticket.  I am not qualified to judge Carmichael's statements, however.

Unfortunately Carmichael also discussed the daily popular voting polls in his article.  He referred to the General Election campaign as a "dead even horse race."  This struck me as irresponsible, and not just because today's polls have Obama coming in at five to six points ahead of Mr. Wrinkly.  More significantly I just read an article seconds before called "Electoral Math Charts Updated" by Chris Weigant.  Electoral votes, the ones that count, show Obama with a big lead right now.  ChrisWeigant.com provides daily updates on this.

More after the flip

Remember when John McCain offered his wife to a throng of drunken Harley enthusiasts as a contestant in a topless beauty contest?

McCain felt so comfortable at the event that he even volunteered his wife for the rally’s traditional beauty pageant, an infamously debauched event that’s been known to feature topless women.

“I encouraged Cindy to compete,” McCain said to cheers. “I told her with a little luck she could be the only woman ever to serve as first lady and Miss Buffalo Chip.”

Well apparently she decided to take the plunge. Make the jump to view the photo that will end John McCain's campaign and cause Cindy McCain's popularity in the all-important first lady likability polls to plummet.

(Warning: Debauchery and fakery awaits!)

Now that the McCain campaign has revealed the startling fact that the South Side of Chicago is actually a hotbed of elitism, it looks like we'll have to revise that Jim Croce classic, "Bad, Bad Leroy Brown".

Hit it, Jim!

"Well the South Side of Chicago
Is the baddest part of town
And if you go down there
You better just beware
Of a man named Leroy Brown Barack Obama"

(more after the jump)

Jets acquire Brett Favre

This is a story of unprecedented importance. The Favre era has now begun. Just like Broadway Joe, Brett will lead Gang Green to the promised land. Joe's deal with the devil has now expired. Meet the next superbowl champion team!!!!!

I like a good troll diary. When I see one with a lot of comments I jump right in loaded for bear. The first thing I do after reading the diary is see if they're foolish enough to put up a tip jar. But I've been really dissapointed at the quality of trolls we've been getting here lately at dkos. They just haven't been doing it for me.I expect to be outraged by a troll diary. But the ones I've seen in the past few weeks have been just plain dumb. Now I'm pretty dumb myself which is why I have a pretty extensive collection of "Dummies" books. There is a new Dummies book out written by Elmer Fudpucker, troll extrordinaire. I highly recommend this book for our troll friends. I have included an excerpt from chapter one.

Countless newshounds with dry eyes and sweaty palms hammering at their keyboards in a diligent cacophony hoping to be the first to catch the first utterance that spells the end of a political campaign.

ABC, NBC, CBS, CNN, FOX, MSNBC, New York Times, Washington Post, USA Today, Gallup, Time, AP, Reuters, Slate, Drudge, Huffington Post -- all sources, all targets, for rage, shame, fear, laughter, hope, and "news".  

We hear about the "horse race" and its associated paraphernalia, be it tire pressure gauges, polling results, haircuts, shoes, racism, feminism, capitalism, communism, terrorism, religion... but none of this stuff really matters unless... (more after the fold)

I am an Obama supporter so this does pain me to report, but I am afraid the McCain campaign finally did catch Senator Obama in a clear case of the flip flops:

(AP) August 6, 2008, South Dakota, by Ron Fournier.  
GOP candidate John McCain, speaking today at the Sturgis Harley Davidson convention for the third consecutive day, revealed a new and seemingly accurate argument painting his opponent, Senator Barack Obama, as a "flip-flopper", reporting to the crowd at the outset of his prepared remarks, "My friends, we just learned that Senator Obama now claims to be 47 years old.  Last week, last month and even all the way back to the Iowa primaries, he said he was 46 years old.  That's what I call a flip-flop!  Friends, how can we believe this man on anything?"  The suprisingly sober crowd stared back at the Republican Senator and war hero, known for his maverickness, apparently stunned by the revelation.

I know.  When I first read it, I thought, "huh".  But I cannot figure any way around it either...let's go over the fold and follow the BREAKING story

Breaking:

Explosive new evidence that will guarantee that John McCain will lose the election and that Bush will be impeached before the election.
 It is potentially huge, and only certains things have to happen for it to really be THE GAME CHANGER!

This new evidence is so astonishing and so surprising that anyone who has clicked their way through  this headline-grabbing diary is certain to be salivating at the possibilities.  This new evidence will certainly be the key, that everything in this election will change, and polls will turn sharply to Obama and lead to Congress using the evidence to ensure accountability for all White House officials including Karl Rove, Dick Cheney, and George Bush.

What is this new evidence you might be wondering?  It is so new, so explosive that even such a bold headline such as this one is certain to live up to what some few might worry might be hyperbole, I can assure you, it is not!