The Bush - Kondracke Comedy Hour

With the WGA still on strike, Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart have been forced to put on their shows without "writing," since they too are members of the WGA.

In desperation, Stewart and Colbert commissioned Morton Kondracke, a/k/a "Mor-TAHN" from The McLaughlin Group, to interview President Bush. The interview, which was conducted on January 29, the day after the State of the Union, was transcribed and appears in today's Washington Post.

Kondracke and Bush both display a surprising flair for comedy writing. Especially hilarious excerpts may be found below the fold.

Here, for example, is an example of the comedic device of saying the opposite of what you really mean:

Q Is there a deadline beyond which it's not useful anymore?

THE PRESIDENT: ....The other issue that was interesting to observe was FISA. On the one hand, the members were more than anxious to praise those on the front lines of fighting terror, and I appreciated their response. And then I went on to say: but give them the tools. So we'll watch this issue play out here. Our attitude, of course, is that there's been ample time for debate; everybody knew what was coming down the pike. Most members fully understand that there has to be a FISA plan in place that is effective -- effective means proper tools, as well as giving liability to people that are alleged to have helped us. The reason that's important is that obviously there has to be a sense of trust with the private sector when it comes to helping protect America, otherwise people are going to be reluctant to help if they think they're going to get sued for billions of dollars.

The multiple layers of irony here are very sophisticated.  Bush, responding to Kondracke's cue, says that for FISA to be effective, we have to give liability to the telecoms!  That's hysterically funny, since we know that the exact opposite is true!

The other really funny part of this bit is Bush's emphasis on the importance of trust.  While a dull, workaday performer might have focused on the ability of the American people to trust their government and their telecom providers, someone with a real mastery of the tools of comedy chooses instead to focus on the telecoms' ability to trust the government for protection against billion dollar claims arising from their violation of law!  It's just breathtaking brilliant.

But there is more.

Q Can I ask you a couple of legacy kind of questions?

THE PRESIDENT: Yes, go ahead.

This is our cue to swallow any liquids we might have in our mouths before we continue reading.

Q Both Barack Obama and Mitt Romney are basing their campaigns on the idea that Washington is broken.

THE PRESIDENT: Yes.

Q Do you think Washington is broken?

THE PRESIDENT: If I were running for President, I would be for change. As a matter of fact, every candidate has got to figure out a way to be for change. I campaigned for change every time I ran, except for twice: 1998, my reelection campaign for governor; 2004 my reelection campaign for President. (Laughter.)

In other words, when he ran for re-election, he didn't run on change because he believed that he had a good record. But if he were someone else running for election after his presidency, he'd be for change!  Does this mean that if he could run for a third term, he would be for change instead of promising to keep up the good work?  The tension created by this apparent contradiction is a real thigh-slapper, don't you think?

Mor-TAHN played the straight man once again when he set Bush up for another "legacy" joke:

Q But on the basis of your seven years, now going on eight, there are things that you wanted to get done that haven't gotten done that seemingly can't get done: immigration reform, entitlement reform, health care reform -- I mean, one thing after another, big things that --

THE PRESIDENT: Well, I wouldn't say "one thing after another." I would say that those are certainly three big things. We have reformed education, we have reformed Medicare, we have cut taxes.

You know that old saying, dying is easy, comedy is hard?  This is an illustration.  In each case, Bush does the hard comedic work and offers a joke as remedy to a potentially mortal threat to our society. "Reform" education by imposing mandates without funding them, "reform" Medicare by giving retired Americans a great big donut, and cut taxes for the wealthy in order to impose a huge debt on the middle and working classes and their progeny.  You've got to laugh, because otherwise you'd cry.

More irony follows with Kondracke inviting Bush to explain why he wasn't able to be a uniter rather than a divider.  Bush gives a hilarious account of how to unite people when they refuse to acknowledge that you are right and they are wrong:

Q You told Bret Baier the other day that you were not able to be the uniter -- not a divider -- that you wanted to be. So what happened?

THE PRESIDENT: I think -- first of all, the biggest disappointment for me has not been able to establish the -- you know, the kind of the -- set those common goals that we were able to do in Texas.

Q Why not?

THE PRESIDENT: Well, I think the town is just very polarized right now. And I have actually -- I've looked back at history and looked at other periods; it's been pretty polarized in the past too. I mean, I remind people that -- you know, they say, gosh, it's been a tough presidency and all that business. And I said, nothing compared to Abraham Lincoln -- which was one polarized time. So the process itself, the political process itself, tends to create polarization.

Yes, finding common ground is hard work when the process itself creates polarization, and you are right.  As Bush explains:

We got tax cuts. You've got to understand on the tax cut issue, there's a philosophical difference in Washington on money. I mean, I view it that the Democrats want more money so they can spend more money. I don't believe you raise taxes to balance a budget -- the temptation is going to be too big to spend that money. And the job of the President, if you're a fiscal conservative person, is to lean-out the process, is to be the person that says, no, you can't have more money, because it's not going to go to balancing the budget.

Hilarious, isn't it?  Bush as skin-flint!  The Unitary Executive whose minions have wasted billions on no-bid contracts for Republicans cronies!  The Unitary Executive who blew a budget surplus on an ill-conceived, idiotically fought war!  You cannot make that shit up!

Now Bush and his straight man Mor-TAHN are really on a roll:

Secondly, I'm a supply-sider. There's a big philosophical divide on supply-siders. People expect -- you know, there's one thing to compromise on pieces of legislation to get something done. It's another thing to compromise on principle -- which I have refused to do. People say, oh, you must be a uniter by compromising your beliefs. There are certain things on which I will not compromise. And I don't see how you can be President if you don't stand strong on your principles. There's too much incoming, there's too many complicated decisions, too much flattery, too much criticism, too many polls, too many focus groups. And the President has to say: Here is the ground on which I stand.

Yes, it's hard to be a uniter when you adopt a bunch of stupid principles and then refuse to compromise them:

Inherent in my remarks is that we must be confident in what we stand for, and not feel like we have to subsume our interests, our beliefs, in order to reach kind of unanimity in the world. Well, that also applies at home. And so people say, yes, you can unify -- but I will not unify if I have to compromise my beliefs.

Building to a great finish, Kondracke sets up the biggest joke of all:

Q: Do you think that the United States is a stronger country than when you found it? And I would point out that our standing in the world -- and I grant, it's polls -- but is down in a lot of countries because of the freedom agenda, I suppose, but -- and Iraq war. And we're deeper in debt than we were before -- I mean, the national debt is bigger than we were before. And our debt to foreigners is bigger than it was before. So are we a stronger country?

THE PRESIDENT: Yes, absolutely we are stronger. Absolutely. We're stronger because our military is stronger, and our military is becoming modern.

Bwahahahahaha! That's a laugh riot!!! Bush has BROKEN the military, and our soldiers have to cobble together vehicle armor from scrap metal!!!  But, you know, you go to a clusterfuck with the army you have....

We're stronger because we've added jobs; more Americans are working. We're stronger because real wages are up.

Bwahahahahaha! More Americans are working at McDonald's, and without benefits!!!!  Real wages are up only if you focus on the real wages of CEOs and hedge fund managers.  If Bill Gates walks into a bar, the average income of the patrons goes up, but are the people who were already there any better off?

We have more debt, but we've also got more assets.

This joke requires no explanation. But apparently Bush needs a refresher on the balance of payments.

We're stronger because America is in the lead, using its influence...And America inspires others because we believe in human rights and human dignity and freedom to worship.  

Um, I'm not really sure why this is funny.  But I'm sure it is.  ;-)