Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, May 22, 2008
Note: "I'm Barack Obama and I approved this message."
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til The Netroots Nation convention in Austin July 17-20: 56
Days 'til the Down East Spring Birding Festival around Cobscook Bay: 1
Amount by which China's foreign-exchange reserves grew in the first quarter: $154 billion
(Source: The Financial Times via The Week)
Number of bridges in northern New England: 7,443
Percent those bridges that are at least 50 years old: 46%
(Source: AAA)
Percent of people in Portland, Maine who are apparently taking a class in massage therapy, based on the number of times I hear people tell other people, "I'm taking a class in massage therapy": 89%
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Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
The most conspicuous contradiction of the convention is the contrast between the Democrats' "Year of the Woman" emphasis and the punishment tour Hillary Clinton is on. Here are the Democrats featuring one woman candidate after another---bragging about their Senate candidates, massing their House candidates for photo ops, Ann Richards chairing the convention, Barbara Jordan keynoting, all hands being pro-choice out the wazoo---and poor Hillary is assigned to the Cookie Wars.
Family Circle magazine started the cookie fight by distributing the chocolate chip cookie recipes of both Barbara Bush and Hillary Clinton and asking people to vote on them. ... Hillary Clinton, who is under orders from her husband's handlers' not to say anything controversial or even substantive, has taken on the cookie project with characteristic zeal and intensity. This woman now knows enough about the making and distribution of chocolate chip cookies to become the next Famous Amos. If Clinton loses in November, she can make her cookie business into a Fortune 500 corporation.
---July, 1992
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Slow mover
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CHEERS to the great escape. Ted Kennedy grabbed an umbrella stand, smashed his hospital window, rappelled down to street level and thumbed a ride home yesterday while thinking about how to start filibustering his malignant glioma. Meanwhile, Chris Dodd sums up what we all thought when we got the bad news Tuesday: "I wouldn't want to be that tumor. With Teddy Kennedy fighting back you're in trouble." We expect a little white flag to emerge from his ear any moment now.
JEERS to torture as usual. Over 200 FBI agents complained to higher-ups about abuses at the United States' Soviet-style gulag at Guantanamo, but nothing came of it even after senior White House officials were informed. Dan Froomkin writes:
That the White House ignored the FBI's red flags is not really surprising, considering that as of Spring 2002, top Bush aides including Vice President Cheney were reportedly micromanaging the torture of terrorist suspects from the White House basement. In other words, those aides...intentionally and specifically approved some of the tactics that alarmed the FBI.
And yet---mark my words---the scumbags will get off without so much as a modest slap on the hiney, a fact that will be like torture to people like you and me who have watched the facts bubble to the surface with all the predictability of the sunrise. Which reminds me: free belts of scotch all morning in the C&J cafeteria.
CHEERS to negotiating with the enemy. Oh my god, this is so reckless! A U.S. president travels to the capital of our sworn adversary to, like, shake hands and talk and avert World War III and silly stuff like that. It must've been a peacenik Democrat, right? Wrong. Thirty six years ago today, President Nixon traveled to the Soviet Union...and came away with signatures on an anti-ballistic missile treaty. Lesson: don’t vote for Barack Obama, because he says he's willing to travel to adversarial nations to shake hands and talk and avert World War III and silly stuff like that. I mean, c'mon: wasn't one Nixon enough?
CHEERS to the end of a really stupid era. The military's Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy is likely about to go bye-bye in the way most discriminatory policies have in the past: with a court ruling and a whimper:
The military cannot automatically discharge people because they're gay, a federal appeals court ruled Wednesday in the case of a decorated flight nurse who sued the Air Force over her dismissal. The three judges from the 9th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals did not strike down the military's "don't ask, don't tell" policy. But they reinstated Maj. Margaret Witt's lawsuit, saying the Air Force must prove that her dismissal furthered the military's goals of troop readiness and unit cohesion.
What could the military possibly say in its defense? "Ahem, we feel that allowing gays to serve openly would limit opportunities for the sex offenders, druggies, thieves, and neo-Nazi skinheads that we recently had to let in because our recruiting standards have dropped so low in part because we, um, don’t allow strong, intelligent, patriotic gay people to openly serve." Makes perfect sense. Pass the bong, General.
JEERS to the clowns currently running the show. A new Zogby poll is out, and based on the president and Congress's approval ratings the take-home message is: Come on in, Canada---we're ready to greet you as liberators with sweets and flowers because, unlike the insurgency in Iraq, we appear to be in our last throes. Be sure to bring your health care with ya. And that voting system you use that works so well. And gay marriage. Oh, and lotsa squeakers---holy Moses them's tasty!
CHEERS to President "That's Using the Old Bean"-coln. On May 22, 1849, Honest Abe received patent #6469 for his design of a floating dry dock. Sadly, he never found the time to finish his sequel: the floating wet bar. Our nation's loss.
CHEERS to the wisdom of the electorate. A tale of two candidates. Candidate A: a cherubic but clumsy little waif who never held down a full-time job and relied on his father to get ahead as he charmed the masses with his tongue-tied, "aw-shucks" style and ever-present smirk. Candidate B: A well-rounded grown-up who understands and cares about the needs of the people; a natural communicator who pulled himself up by his bootstraps, working in obscurity but never losing sight of his dreams of a brighter tomorrow; a man who inspires the masses to reach deep inside themselves and work for a cause greater than a single individual. With all 97.5 million votes counted, the results are in and we chose...wisely. (Although formulating an energy policy based on "renewable rock 'n roll, man!" has me a little worried. Just a little.)
P.S. Meanwhile we have 242 days left to remind ourselves how, four years ago, 59 million voters chose...poorly. Just curious: have we finished hanging them all yet?
CHEERS to faking it to the extreme. When my partner, Michael, wants to skip out on work, he doesn’t mess around. Yesterday he "faked" a toothache so well that he even made an emergency dental appointment to have it pulled in the afternoon. And wait'll ya see how he's planning to get out of work next week. (The gallbladder's not that important...is it?)
CHEERS to the return of the fedora. Dah d' da daaah, Dah d' daaah...! Indiana Jones returns to the screen for the first time in nearly twenty years today. The reviews for Kingdom of the Crystal Skull have mostly gone something like this: "Wellll, it's not a classic, exactly...but it's still pretty darn fun." Cool! I can't wait to skip work to see...er...to see, uh, nnnnnothing. 'Cause I'll be working, of course. (Pay no attention to the jumbo pack of Twizzlers in my pocket. I'm, uh, carryin' 'em for a friend...)
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One Year Ago in C&J: May 22, 2007...
JEERS to the new action plan. Let me see if I've got this straight. First our mission was to militarily remove Saddam and let democracy self-pollinate itself in Iraq. Then it was to train the Iraqi troops to defend their own country. Then it was giving the Iraqi government military cover so they could sprout wings and fly on their own. And now, apparently, we're back to training the Iraqi troops to defend their own country. The only thing standing in the way, according to the Washington Post's David Ignatius, is our leaders' ability to clap louderer and togetherer. If only they'd quit spending all their time grooming their unicorns.
CHEERS to SiCKO. The reviews are in and Michael Moore's done it again. The Hollywood Reporter loves it. Variety loves it. TIME loves it. Even the Fox News reviewer loves it. It's expected to rake in tens of millions of dollars. As opposed to the right's documentaries, which make tens. Of dollars.
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And just one more...
CHEERS to things you don't see every day. When you get to be my age (16), you've pretty much seen it all and genuine surprises are hard to come by. So join me, won't you, as we collectively marvel at the presumably once-in-a-lifetime sight of a press conference getting interrupted by a flying penis. Halley's Comet, eat yer heart out.
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Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
When you need to deflate stress, treat yourself to a vacation that’s all in your head: Close your eyes and imagine a relaxing place, such as a beach, a mountain view, or Cheers and Jeers.
---Good Housekeeping
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